My Existential ☹ Crisis (Part 1)
CONTEXT:
I am 71 years old. Most would say I have lived my life. I was never one for looking back or second-guessing (EVER), but an unmitigated surge of vivid memories was recently triggered by a poem I wrote at age twenty titled, “Moved by the Times, Moving with the Times, Removed from Time.”
A sudden flood of memories created a domino effect, which led to full-blown emotional hysteria; and I unwillingly entered a Life Review. A visceral typhoon of emotions propelled me into unexplainable sobbing tears and panic attacks. There were times I literally could not catch my breath because the despair became so great. I was caught inside of a ‘Thought Tornado’!
To wrap my head around this unprecedented avalanche of feelings, I searched my symptoms online. I learned that psychiatrist Dr. Robert Butler defined this exact process- reflecting on one's past during late adulthood, as a "Life Review."
THE TWO STAGES:
There are two phases to a Life Review, and both are deep, solitary philosophical journeys. They are rabbit holes you must courageously enter, regardless of their downward twists and turns.
1.The Audit Stage: The psychological process where you look back at past experiences, evaluate them, and attempt to integrate them into a meaningful whole. You ask yourself: What did it all mean?
2.The Inevitability Stage: The raw acceptance of the finality of life as we know it.
THE AUDIT:
In evaluating my many forks in the road and the paths I chose, I began second-guessing myself. Utilizing creativity (my ultimate survival tool), I pictured an angel appearing before me, proposing an alternate outcome for every crossroad.
I could hear him saying, “Okay, I will bring you back in time. Instead of going left, I will force you to go right. But here’s the caveat: you won’t have the luxury of your 71-year-old mind. You will remain exactly the age you were when you faced that choice.”
With that opportunity, I mentally choreographed alternate timelines- playing with the "many-worlds" concept and the butterfly effect. In my mind's eye, I sat at my dinner table ripping out Yellow Stickies. I wrote down specific scenarios, people, and events where I was faced with a choice. Each sticky note represented a "Y" in the road.
I allowed myself to play out those alternate versions of me. I watched myself make mistakes, face tragedies, feel regrets, marry others, and raise different children. I even pictured my wife being married to me on several different stickies but having entirely different children. There I sat, encircled by a ring of Yellow Stickies!
ASSESSMENT COMPLETED:
After looking at all the different outcomes, I surmised something profound: Even if I changed my choices, if I kept my younger mindset- I would still be sitting here at 71 doing a Life Review.
If an angel sent me back to the fork in the road at age 20 but left me with my 20-year-old brain, I would still make decisions based on who I was at 20. That alone guarantees the exact same blind spots, fears, desires, and level of maturity. Even if the angel forced me to turn right instead of left just once, my 20-year-old personality would take over at the very next unguided fork. I would inevitably build a life that matched the person I was back then.
I realized all those altered paths would converge right back to the same place: a 71-year-old man looking backward!
This is because the Life Review is not triggered by the specific life you lived; it is triggered by the biological and psychological reality of reaching old age. Mindset dictates destination! Those "alternate versions" of my life weren’t inherently superior or flawless. They, too, would have had their own unique tragedies, their own regrets, and their own eventual reckoning at 71.
This illumination shattered the illusion of "What If’s." The path I actually took is the only one that matters. Stripping away the fantasy of a "perfect" alternate life brought me to a universal truth: to be human is to be flawed, to make mistakes, and to carry regrets, no matter which road you choose.
By embracing my current timeline, I am not saying my life was perfect. I am saying, "This is my story. It is messy, it is imperfect, but it is mine, and I chose it. I am at peace." The haunting "what ifs" transformed into a sanctuary of acceptance. I left the Yellow Stickies on the table (inside my mind), as they stand as a memorial to that realization.
Yet, while this first stage was resolved, the emotional turmoil of the next phase remained...
THE INEVITABLILITY STAGE:
Confronting the final grains of sand and accepting my mortality proved to be daunting. I asked myself, How do I shift from "running out of time" to peacefully letting go?
I don't want my acceptance to mean I am simply complacent with the hourglass being empty. I want to somehow shift my perspective from the quantity of time to the quality of the conclusion.
I was forced to recognize the deep fear I harbored beneath my struggle. Is it the fear of non-existence? Am I struggling to imagine a world without "me" in it?
After days of FORCED introspection, I admitted that it wasn't leaving loved ones behind, nor the frustration of an unfinished narrative that tore at me. I was wrestling with non-existence itself!
To be given the ultimate gift of consciousness- the ability to love, learn, create, and express truths, and then to be asked to surrender that consciousness back to a VOID, feels like a cosmic cruelty. It is like a beautiful movie being permanently erased. Returning to nothingness felt unacceptable. My mind screamed that it was unfair!...And, it would be.
Having an expiration date reduces our humanity to canned goods. An empty black VOID translates to me- as a dismissed life… dismissal of everyone I ever loved and was loved by, the wisdom I gained, and the art I manifested. It felt like it would all be washed away like a sandcastle on the shore. That feeling felt like a heartless eviction from reality!
The "Un-consoling" Platitudes:
Searching online for comfort, I found standard philosophical consolations. To me, they felt completely hollow. The following consolations felt so un-consoling:
1.When the movie ends- it does not mean the movie never happened.
2.We live on in our loved one’s minds.
3.Matter and energy can never be destroyed; they can only change form.
4.We were in that exact state of "nothingness" for billions of years- before being born.
5.The universe is a grand library, and your 71-year volume will always sit on the shelf, complete and unchangeable.
6.You’re just returning to the source code.
…to be continued